Female Pakistanis Marrying from ‘Back Home’

  1. Finding a person from Pakistan does not mean that he will be more decent or religious, so many people get scammed this way, get duped into believing that somehow Pakistanis in Pakistan are more connected to God and have better morals & values when this is not the case always
  2. You or your parents immigrated to US, UK, Canada, or wherever from Pakistan, you got married and had your kids who are born and bred outside of Pakistan, in most cases haven’t even visited Pakistan or do not go there often, then how can you expect or pressurise your children — especially your girls, to marry from back home? To marry a man whose mentality and upbringing is so different from yours.
  3. Not saying that opposites don’t attract sometimes or that you won’t find people with similar thought process in Pakistan, but whoever I have seen marrying someone from the village, they have matched with someone who is not educated, does not speak an ounce of English, haven’t even seen major cities of Pakistan, let alone gone out of the country before, so how can you expect someone like that to adjust easily to your level of lifestyle and your way of life, in a foreign country alien to their own.
  4. Women on forums and groups and especially my friends complain that the husband they have brought over from Pakistan is too into his family, he sends back all that he earns and does not give money to them, they have to spend their own, tells everything to his mum or parents on the phone — even their secrets, and is very anti-social in his adopted country; well obviously, a person who has spent all his life in a village in Pakistan, who most probably is a mummy’s boy, will listen to whatever she tells him to do, regardless if he is now in the UK or Canada etc. will be more attached and connected to them. You cannot just expect that man to drop his family, just because he is now married to you and in a foreign country. You should have thought about this before marrying him.
  5. Most of the times, I have heard my friends being pressurised to get married to their distant relatives in villages in Pakistan by their parents, because their parents feel like they owe some sort of debt to their brothers or sisters or cousins, by leaving them behind in Pakistan — and now they have to repay that debt of absence by offering their son or daughter in marriage to get married to their nieces or nephews in Pakistan & bringing them over to the UK or USA etc. Do not be like this! Your children are not sacrificial lambs that you use to please your relatives so that their children can come abroad.
  6. The men who manage to entrap and marry girls from outside of Pakistan, do it firstly and foremost for the opportunity to come abroad, secondly for the greed that they will be able to earn in pounds and send back home and lastly, but most importantly, the ‘passport’. And when their sons manage to go abroad, the families in villages in Pakistan brag to their extended families and neighbours that their sons are now abroad & soon will be British or American and earning in ‘pooonds or daalars’ and they’re gonna be rich soon. The sons are also brainwashed before they leave Pakistan, by their families, and their aim is set to earn as much money as possible and send it back and try to get visas for them as soon as possible too, so they can also visit the holy land — the United Kingdom etc. So many times, my friends complain that their ex-husbands always used to earn and send all the money back home, torture them into spending all their money on the house and bills, never love them etc. Well, when the premise and the scaffolding of marriage and relationship are based on superficial things, if you try to build a strong structure, you might fail, and it has a chance to collapse totally.
  7. Due to cultural clashes and the difference in mentalities, many of my friends have suffered at the hands of their husbands who they have brought from Pakistan with them. Again, not saying that this always happens or is necessary will happen, but I am talking from personal experience and observations. Like how I mentioned in my case study regarding my friend from Glasgow who brought over her husband who was extremely paranoid and used to think she was flirting with everyone, I have heard stories from other women narrating pretty much the same thing that their husbands stalked them, made sure they were at work and not elsewhere, didn’t appreciate that they worked — but milked every penny out of them nevertheless, didn’t like them meeting ever their girlfriends, used to check their phones and ask for social media passwords etc. One friend even told me that her husband had used his phone number and email address for her bank account, so he would know every single time she used her card and where she spent ‘her’ money. He would ask her about every little purchase and once even accused her of buying a present for her lover at work when it was just a going away present for a colleague, she had worked with for over 3 years. Again, not saying that paranoia cannot breed in husbands found from the local area, city, or country — but due to the differences in upbringing, mentality, thought process, and narrow-mindedness; my friends suffered so much so that it resulted in divorces. The divorces were the relatively easy part, what they are still suffering from is the PTSD and the trauma of the abuse they suffered.
  8. Many of my friends have been cheated upon by their husbands that they have brought from back home — the village. This stems back to the aim of just getting out of the country (Pakistan) somehow & marrying someone just for citizenship, in my opinion. When you marry someone without really getting to know them or being in love with them, with just one purpose that is to gain a foreign residency and/or citizenship, then I do not see how this might not be recipe for disaster. When you let someone like that marry you, you are opening yourself up to a whole lot of issues and troubles. That person is only interested in your share of the inheritance, that person is only interested in knowing whether the house that you own is on a mortgage or paid off, that person is only interested in coming out of the country & gaining citizenship/residency and that person is only interested in earning money in a different currency and sending foreign exchange back home. Now, again, I do not have any problem with sons supporting their mothers, but when that’s all they are doing and are not treating their new foreign wives appropriately, that’s where I have a problem.

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ASY

ASY

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A British Pakistani writer based out of Dubai. Contact me at @aishasyyy on Twitter. Writing on various topics including: life and relationship.